All You Need to Know

• What's the difference between guilt and shame?

  Guilt and shame are often talked about together, but they are different. 

  • Guilt is feeling bad for your choices or behaviours.
  • Shame is a bigger sense that you are bad, unworthy and incompetent.

  You can feel guilt and shame for lots of different reasons. You might feel it for choices you've made in the past, things you've done after taking drugs, drinking alcohol, or the way you have treated someone.

  Feeling guilt or shame can be difficult to deal with because they are both uncomfortable feelings. Sometimes it can lead to feeling overwhelmed and hopeless. This is called a shame spiral. 

  In small doses, guilt can be helpful as it shows us our values and can be a good motivator to improve ourselves. But overwhelming guilt or shame is unhelpful, especially if we feel them for a long time. This can lead to low mood, anxiety, low self-esteem or low confidence.

  Read more information about guilt from Childline here

• How can I stop feeling guilty?

  It can be difficult to move on from guilt. If you're feeling overwhelmed or the guilty feelings won't go, it's time to get some help. 

  Speaking to a trusted adult to share your feelings is a good start. If you prefer to talk to someone you don't know, Childline or Kooth provides counselling services to support you. 

  You could also try some of these ideas:

  • Accept responsibility for a mistake. Facing up to any mistakes you've made can help you to feel some relief and let you be kinder to yourself. 
  • Talk to someone. Sharing how you feel can be helpful and will offer a balanced view that isn't as self-critical.
  • Find an outlet. Think about taking up a form of exercise. You could try some mindfulness activities or start a hobby you are interested in to relieve stress and have a little fun.
  • Build your self-confidence. Make a list of things you like about yourself and that you are good at. It can be useful to carry your list around as a little reminder when you start to feel negative.

• Am I being made to feel guilty?

  Sometimes conversations with other people may leave you feeling guilty. There can be lots of reasons why, and the other person might not be aware they are doing it.

  Sometimes, other people may use guilt to make you think you owe them, this is called 'guilt tripping'. It's not okay to guilt trip someone.

  • Replay what happened. Think about the event and whether you could have controlled what happened.
  • Ask for advice. It's good to ask another person's view. Ask what they think happened, and whether you could have done anything differently.
  • Talk it through. Give the other person a chance to speak while you listen uninterrupted. Try not to be defensive. Allow them to get their side across. Make sure you also have time to share how you feel too.

  It's never okay for someone to pressure you into doing something sexual or to ask you to share sexual images or videos of yourself. 

  If someone is making you feel guilty for not doing something sexual, or making you feel like you owe them, then get some support.

  Talk to someone you trust, or you can get advice from Kooth or Childline. In an emergency, you should always call 999.

• How to cope with guilt after someone dies

  Guilt is a common reaction when you're grieving. You might feel guilty about a loved one's death or replay any interactions you had before they died.

  Try not to be hard on yourself, it's a very upsetting time and it's unlikely you could have done anything to prevent the death from happening. 

  Grieving isn't nice, but it's natural and normal. It won't last forever. There may be times when the pain is overwhelming. There is no right way to grieve, but it's important to be kind to yourself.

  Read The Mix's guide to dealing with grief for practical tips and support

  If you are struggling with grief and need support, there are services to help you.

  • Cruse - offers grief and bereavement counselling via phone, email and face-to-face. 
  • Hope Again - a website created by young people, for young people going through bereavement.
  • Winston's Wish - a charity offering support to grieving children.

• I'm a young carer, why do I feel guilt?

  As a young carer you might have feelings of guilt, anger or anxiety. Especially if you are missing a lot of school or work. You might find it difficult to concentrate at times or keep up with coursework and your studies.

  It's not unusual to feel guilty for feelings that come up because you have more responsibilities than your peers. You might also feel worried you are letting your family or friends down by trying to balance your caring responsibilities with friendships. 

  It's important to know that you aren't alone, others are going through similar experiences and there is support out there for you.

  • Carers Matter Norfolk - provide countywide service supporting unpaid carers. They have an app for young people.
  • Barnardo's - a UK-based charity that supports young carers and has stories of other people in a similar situation.
  • NHS: Young Carers - a page dedicated to your rights as a young carer and support you can access.
  • The Carers Trust - a charity with information and advice including a local services finder.